A marriage of convenience?

Sometimes I think about the benefit of being in a relationship v not being in one and in addition to all the nice fluffy emotional stuff there is of course a large element of convenience. Philosopher Nozik acknowldges there are also certain ‘functional’ benefits of forming a union such as ‘Accepting certain kinds of divisions of labour’! And it’s true, you can share the cooking, cleaning, household tasks etc and in today’s society we all know it’s much easier to get on the property ladder as a we rather than a me. Of course, this element of convenience only exists if both parties are contributing to the ‘divisions of labour’ equally.

Traditonally, a man would go to work and a women would stay home and care for family and home. In fact, people used to live with their parents with the mother likely talking care of household tasks until they married themselves and a strong driver of marriage for men was to set up home marrying a women to do the household chores while he was at work leaving him the chance to relax upon return after a day’s hard work. How different things are now! We set ourselves up as individuals with full time jobs in the office and full time jobs taking care of our homes! No wonder forming a couple and dividing the labour makes sense in today’s society where both partners are often working! Of course if you don’t fancy taking a husband or wife – there’s always the cleaner!

You got the look!

People often talk about love at first sight but what are the physical characteristics that make someone attractive?

Well for a start familiarity is one thing. Have you ever noticed that some couples look quite similar? Well, studies have shown that we tend to go for partners that look quite like ourselves! Research at the University of St Andrews in Scotland used computers to morph individuals faces into the their opposite sex self! When they were shown a selection of pictures of the opposite sex (with their own in the pile) they were likely to select the picture that looked most like themselves! That’s self love!

Failing finding the mirror image of youself, how about your mum or dad? Perrett, who led the study suggests the reason for us liking a face similar to ours so much is because they remind us of the faces we constantly looked at in our childhood years J

Not only are we looking to replicate ourselves, we’re also looking for perfection... Other studies have suggested that faces that are symetrical are more attactractive than those that are not. This could be linked back to symmetry being a sign of strong genes. Interestingly symmetry is more important to men than to women who may be looking for good genes in rank or status rather than purely looks alone.

So, a symmetrical mirror image of yourself could be just what you are looking for!

The sweet smell of odorless attraction!

While engaging in my never ending search for all things ‘love’ I came across a website called ‘Natural Attraction’. This website suggests, “It’s not his or her eyes and it’s not his or her smile – it’s human pheromones at work.” This website sells bottled human pheremones for your own use in become more ‘naturally attractive’ to others but what are these pheremones?

Pheremones are a kind of chemical ‘smell’ we emit that triggers a social response in members of the same species. You can’t see them or smell them but they are sensed by an organ in the nasal passage that sends a message to the brain. In the world of attaction some female animals indicate their readiness for breeding by releasing pheromones. Actually, according to Wikipedia many insects do this and butterflies and moths can detect a potential mate from as far away as 10km! Farmers use the types of phereomones to detect and monitor insect populations. This may be what led ‘Natural Attraction’ to the idea that they could bottle pheremones for human use!

They claim that they have scientific proof that when using their fragrances, lotions and gels you will have increased levels of confidence and feelings of wellbeing so you feel better and enhance you ‘natural attraction’.
So, in future don’t let your pheromones get washed down the drain and purchase a special shower gel packed with silent chemical communicators to send a message to that special someone!

Opposites attract

Many people would agree that it’s good to find a partner that shares similar interests and values to you... However, there is a saying that ‘Opposites attract’ and interestingly, evolutionary science is now starting to show us how true this might be. Recent research carried out by genetists in Brazil suggests that actually those with diverse genes are more likely to couple with those also with diverse but complementary genes. A test was conducted and by comparing real relationship to randomly generated couples it was found that the genes of the real couples were much more diverse. Similar tests have been run looking at genes linking to the immune system which suggest we partner with those who have different gene pools in order to build stronger offspring.

All this seems to make sense but it might be difficult to understand how we know we have diverse and therefore compatible genes with potential partners. Can we tell this through looking at them physically or perhaps subconsiously through other senses such as pheremones?

Searching for the one with Aristophanes...

Plato’s ‘Symposium’ is all about love, the scene set is a small get together where a group of friends each give their opinion on the complex matter of love. Aristophanes is the focus of today’s entry with his rather elaborate story about searching for the ‘one’ or our other half...

He claims that in ancient times we were all spherical creatures with two sets of everything, two heads, four legs, four arms and we rolled around feeling complete... however, we were also very powerful and a threat to the Gods. Zeus, wanted to destroy us but realised if we did not exist then we could not offer worship and sacrifices to him. So, he thought up a more cunning plan and decided to split us in half, seperating the two bodies, creating men and women (and also two times the amount of worshippers!)

However, once split the people wanted to return to their original state and they went searching for their other halves. In his story, Arispophanes is suggesting we are searching for partners who resemble ourselves and share similar qualities so that we can become whole again.

We not me...

There’s a school of thought that finding a partner or finding love is all about creating a union. This union is a fusion of two individuals combined to make one, the collective ‘we’ rather than the individual ‘I’. What once was two individual identities now becomes a shared identity, sharing interests, roles and vitues, some would go as far as to argue the individual ‘I’ no longer exists once the ‘we’ has been created.

Although, I would agree there will be shared values and some share interests in a relationship and even a shared personality or persona but the idea of ceasing to exist as an individual doesn’t really make sense. Whichever way we look at it there remains a tension between the ME as an INDIVIDUAL with my own identity and ME as part a COUPLE with a shared identity. Solomon claims this is the ‘Paradox of Love’ he says there is alwasy the tension between union and automony.

Freidman argues that as couples we remain individuals but have created a third entity, ‘a federation of selves’, where we can work together and collaborate across a range of things. This sounds like a workable solution, there is me and there is us, finding the right balance of me v we so I can be me and I can be we remains the challenge!

Can love be measured?

American Zick Rubin developed a love measurement tool in 1970! His original research involved interviewing students and having them answer over 80 questions on liking and love, analysis revealed love for partners and liking for friends as different things. Based on his research he believes that romantic love is made up of three elements:

-Attachment: the need to be cared for and be with the other person

-Caring: valuing the other persons happiness and needs as much as your own

-Intimacy: sharing private thoughts, feelings and desires with the other person

He’s identified 13 questions you need to answer in order to assess the strength of your romantic love... have a shot and let me know how you get on!

1. If [loved one] were feeling badly, my first duty would be to cheer him/her up.

2. I feel that I can confide in [loved one] about virtually everything.

3. I find it easy to ignore [loved one]’s faults.

4. I would do almost anything for [loved one].

5. I feel very possessive toward [loved one].

6. If I could never be with [loved one], I would feel miserable.

7. If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek [loved one] out.

8. One of my primary concerns is [loved one]’s welfare.

9. I would forgive [loved one] for practically anything.

10. I feel responsible for [loved one]’s well being.

11. When I am with [loved one], I spend a good deal of time just looking at him/her.

12. I would greatly enjoy being confided in by [loved one].

13. It would be hard for me to get along without [loved one].

(Although, perhaps, romantic love and the elements he put into his study don’t capture all of the elements we would consider to be love? I think Sternberg would say it’s only ‘Companionate Love’ he is measuring and where is the ‘Passion’?)

Let's stick together...

But what is a perfect relationship? In modern day society we assume a sucessful relationship is about staying together with the one partner for your life but it hasn’t always been this way...

I recently came across anthropologist Helen Fisher who has dedicated years of her life observing 'love' in cultures around the world. Apparently, 97% of mammuals do not 'pair up' in order to rear their young. Humans are actually an annomoly! It makes you wonder why we are so unusual and why we stay together with our partners? She has a theory about why this is. Fisher suggests it's so the couple can rear their young together... We didn't always live in the world we do now, back in the hunter gatherer days a women could not carry around a heavy baby and fend for herself so required a man to look after her. The man could only realistically look after one women, hence we have monogomy. So, the idea of 'attachment' and forming a 'pair bond' is not necessarily some romantic notion but rather a necessity for our survival!

Three points on a triangle

Psychologist Robert Sternberg has proposed we need three different elements to achieve the ideal relationship; Intimacy, Passion and Commitment...

Intimacy is all about being close or having a connection or bond. Passion doesn’t need much explanation, it's all about romance, physical connection and ultimately physical love. Lastly, Commitment is the ability to share short term plans but also to make plans together for the future.

If you are ticking all of the boxes your love is called Consumate Love. Sternberg’s overall theory is called the ‘triangle theory’ as each of the three elements sits on one point of the triangle and different combinations of the three provide different types of relationship:

It's an interesting tool that can help us understand relationships and that provides us with the language to discuss the importance of different parts of the triangle over time in order to build a sucessful relationship.

A multi-faceted word – the greek viewpoint

So, let’s start at the very beginning – the definition of love. The word love has many meanings and is defined very broadly making it a difficult concept to pin down... it can mean the affection or friendship that you have towards another person, it could be the more intense desire or attraction you feel towards another or even refer to sexual passion.

The Ancient Greeks split love into three types of love, Eros, Philia and Agape perhaps allowing us to clarify what love is in more detail:
-Eros is used to refer to a passionate, intense desire for something often expressed as a sexual desire. In Greek mythology Eros was the God of Love and son of Aprodite.

-Phillia is a fondness or appreciation of the other. It's not necessarily just about friendship but can be loyalties towards family, a political cause, role you hold or your community.
-Agape is love that is spiritual and not sexual in nature. It refers to the love God might have for man or man for God and is extended to mean a brotherly love for all of humanity. In Ancient Greece it is referred to as a sense of affection or deeper sense of true love.

It feels important to split love into it's different elements in order to understand what we really mean by 'love'? What is it to be in 'love' and which elements of Eros, Phillia or Agape are really necessary for a lasting relationship?