The sweet smell of odorless attraction!

While engaging in my never ending search for all things ‘love’ I came across a website called ‘Natural Attraction’. This website suggests, “It’s not his or her eyes and it’s not his or her smile – it’s human pheromones at work.” This website sells bottled human pheremones for your own use in become more ‘naturally attractive’ to others but what are these pheremones?

Pheremones are a kind of chemical ‘smell’ we emit that triggers a social response in members of the same species. You can’t see them or smell them but they are sensed by an organ in the nasal passage that sends a message to the brain. In the world of attaction some female animals indicate their readiness for breeding by releasing pheromones. Actually, according to Wikipedia many insects do this and butterflies and moths can detect a potential mate from as far away as 10km! Farmers use the types of phereomones to detect and monitor insect populations. This may be what led ‘Natural Attraction’ to the idea that they could bottle pheremones for human use!

They claim that they have scientific proof that when using their fragrances, lotions and gels you will have increased levels of confidence and feelings of wellbeing so you feel better and enhance you ‘natural attraction’.
So, in future don’t let your pheromones get washed down the drain and purchase a special shower gel packed with silent chemical communicators to send a message to that special someone!

Opposites attract

Many people would agree that it’s good to find a partner that shares similar interests and values to you... However, there is a saying that ‘Opposites attract’ and interestingly, evolutionary science is now starting to show us how true this might be. Recent research carried out by genetists in Brazil suggests that actually those with diverse genes are more likely to couple with those also with diverse but complementary genes. A test was conducted and by comparing real relationship to randomly generated couples it was found that the genes of the real couples were much more diverse. Similar tests have been run looking at genes linking to the immune system which suggest we partner with those who have different gene pools in order to build stronger offspring.

All this seems to make sense but it might be difficult to understand how we know we have diverse and therefore compatible genes with potential partners. Can we tell this through looking at them physically or perhaps subconsiously through other senses such as pheremones?

Searching for the one with Aristophanes...

Plato’s ‘Symposium’ is all about love, the scene set is a small get together where a group of friends each give their opinion on the complex matter of love. Aristophanes is the focus of today’s entry with his rather elaborate story about searching for the ‘one’ or our other half...

He claims that in ancient times we were all spherical creatures with two sets of everything, two heads, four legs, four arms and we rolled around feeling complete... however, we were also very powerful and a threat to the Gods. Zeus, wanted to destroy us but realised if we did not exist then we could not offer worship and sacrifices to him. So, he thought up a more cunning plan and decided to split us in half, seperating the two bodies, creating men and women (and also two times the amount of worshippers!)

However, once split the people wanted to return to their original state and they went searching for their other halves. In his story, Arispophanes is suggesting we are searching for partners who resemble ourselves and share similar qualities so that we can become whole again.

We not me...

There’s a school of thought that finding a partner or finding love is all about creating a union. This union is a fusion of two individuals combined to make one, the collective ‘we’ rather than the individual ‘I’. What once was two individual identities now becomes a shared identity, sharing interests, roles and vitues, some would go as far as to argue the individual ‘I’ no longer exists once the ‘we’ has been created.

Although, I would agree there will be shared values and some share interests in a relationship and even a shared personality or persona but the idea of ceasing to exist as an individual doesn’t really make sense. Whichever way we look at it there remains a tension between the ME as an INDIVIDUAL with my own identity and ME as part a COUPLE with a shared identity. Solomon claims this is the ‘Paradox of Love’ he says there is alwasy the tension between union and automony.

Freidman argues that as couples we remain individuals but have created a third entity, ‘a federation of selves’, where we can work together and collaborate across a range of things. This sounds like a workable solution, there is me and there is us, finding the right balance of me v we so I can be me and I can be we remains the challenge!

Can love be measured?

American Zick Rubin developed a love measurement tool in 1970! His original research involved interviewing students and having them answer over 80 questions on liking and love, analysis revealed love for partners and liking for friends as different things. Based on his research he believes that romantic love is made up of three elements:

-Attachment: the need to be cared for and be with the other person

-Caring: valuing the other persons happiness and needs as much as your own

-Intimacy: sharing private thoughts, feelings and desires with the other person

He’s identified 13 questions you need to answer in order to assess the strength of your romantic love... have a shot and let me know how you get on!

1. If [loved one] were feeling badly, my first duty would be to cheer him/her up.

2. I feel that I can confide in [loved one] about virtually everything.

3. I find it easy to ignore [loved one]’s faults.

4. I would do almost anything for [loved one].

5. I feel very possessive toward [loved one].

6. If I could never be with [loved one], I would feel miserable.

7. If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek [loved one] out.

8. One of my primary concerns is [loved one]’s welfare.

9. I would forgive [loved one] for practically anything.

10. I feel responsible for [loved one]’s well being.

11. When I am with [loved one], I spend a good deal of time just looking at him/her.

12. I would greatly enjoy being confided in by [loved one].

13. It would be hard for me to get along without [loved one].

(Although, perhaps, romantic love and the elements he put into his study don’t capture all of the elements we would consider to be love? I think Sternberg would say it’s only ‘Companionate Love’ he is measuring and where is the ‘Passion’?)